The Sex God
by alette
Summary: Draco is convinced he is the only good choice for the Sex God of Hogwarts. However, when Hermione gets involved things get tricky fast. Includes a very vain!Malfoy, a closetcase!Harry, and a pretty darn cannon!Hermione. DHr.Oneshot.


**The Sex God**

_A/N:_ Enjoy all! I had much, much fun writing this.

_Disclaimer:_ Not my characters, but oh the things I would do if they were (Makes wistful and very longing face while silently cursing JKR)

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It was a known fact that Draco Malfoy was a Sex God. In fact, many people said he was _the_ Sex God of Hogwarts. However, others disagreed with this point, naming the hundreds of other attractive male specimen at Hogwarts – mainly Harry Potter. 

This infuriated Draco more than anything else – he was and should justly be the only Sex God. It got him so worked up that occasionally he was sent into fits of anger. Sometimes he went around, mumbling curses and hexes under his breath – the ones he wanted to use on those ignorant fools who were able to deny his obvious indisputable gorgeousness.

It was true that countless girls, and even quite a few guys, swooned over Draco Malfoy, but there were the odd few that did not. There was Luna and a few Gryffindors, but no one really cared what they thought, in addition to thenmany scorned lovers who only pretended not to, and then there was Hermione Granger. For some reason that got to him, that he had no ability to affect her whatsoever.

He wasn't the only one who had noticed though. His friends all teased him about the withering glances she gave him, even Pansy the girl who he was supposedly going out with right then. (He did use the term going out very loosely though; they had more of a friends with benefits thing going on than an actual relationship. Draco didn't _do _relationships.)

So Draco Malfoy decided to do something about this. There were a few courses of action that he could take. The first and probably the most obvious was to actually talk to and convince Granger that he was not a 'pompous git', but a sexy, desirable god, but Draco Malfoy was not sensible. No, whatever he did must be accompanied by a really cunning scheme.

So Draco decided he had to make Hermione Granger want him. He had to make her want him so bad that she was seized with a passion so great, that no one ever again could deny his status as undisputed Sex God of Hogwarts.

They had bet him that he couldn't do it. Laughed at him to his face. In one particularly memorable moment, Blaise Zabini had dropped the bottle of butter beer on the floor, so consumed in his fit of laughter. This had only prompted Draco to stand there, tapping his foot on the ground, his face contorted with rage.

It was now his personal goal to convert Hermione Granger, once his sworn enemy, to his side of the world. But, he had very little idea of how to do it. So, he asked Pansy.

"Pansy, why do you think I'm a Sex God? What makes me a Sex God?" he asked her one day while doing his hair in his dormitory. His hair had to be done with the utmost care, not one strand of its silky blonde perfection could be out of place, ever.

"Everything Draco, you're perfect," she said, smiling up at him. God, did he hate the fan girls. He truly did and Pansy was one of the worst. She was clearly obsessed with him.

"I know I am, but I need more of a reason than that," he exclaimed casually, pushing down a stray hair carefully.

"Well, it's your looks, your arrogance –"

"Arrogance? I am certainly not arrogant!"

"Of course you aren't, dear. I only meant that – "

"No, I do not want to hear it Pansy. I'm very upset, very upset indeed. And here I was thinking you thought I was sexy."

"I do, Draco! Please, I'll do anything, just don't be mad at me!" Her expression was pleading and Draco appraised her warily.

"Anything you say?" he asked her mischievously, a glint in his eyes as he watched her nod yes...

"That was pretty much useless thought," Draco, a while later, putting his clothing back on. Ah well, Sex Gods did have much business to attend to.

Indeed, he really did need to sort out this business with Granger. She was spoiling his reputation. So he did his hair carefully, trying his best to return it to the state it had been pre-Pansy. Then he put on his best outfit, the one that had almost made Pansy faint with desire.

He put on the jeans – the tightest pair that he owned – and the shirt – a dark black one that fit him tighter than a glove. He appraised his appearance in the mirror. "Stunning," he thought, "simply stunning. Even I would do myself and I'm straighter than anything. If Granger doesn't fall for this, well, she is probably the dumbest girl on the planet.

So he left the Slytherrin dormitory, intent on reaching his goal of becoming the undisputed Sex God of Hogwarts. When he entered the Great Hall, a ripple effect occurred. It was chaos, pure and simple. Girls were looking at him unabashedly; guys stared at him as well, some in jealously, some obviously interested. Many mouths were hanging open and quite a few people appeared to have fainted.

Draco smirked, but was horrified to see a second later, that Hermione Granger was not staring at him, but instead reading the evening edition of the Daily Prophet. She looked completely captivated too. But, this was utterly unacceptable. He was Draco Malfoy and he had gotten dressed for her, so like it or not, she was going to appreciate it.

He walked over to the Gryffindor table, hearing the shocked whispers of many in the crowd. However, he was a Malfoy, so he kept his head high – he had a status to maintain. He was a god, the Apollo of the wizarding world. Seriously, Apollo even had blonde hair – the comparison was completely accurate.

So he strode up to Hermione, aware of the looks of disgust the Weasley was flashing at him. However, Potter's mouth was hanging open slightly and his eyes were traveling up and down Draco. He mentally stored this information away, but tormenting Potter was for another day. Tonight, he had a purpose.

"Hello Granger," he drawled, pulling his hands through his perfectly done hair. "How are you doing?"

"Fine thanks," she replied without even bothering to look up. Draco swore internally, this was going to take more work than he had planned for, he thought just the sound of his voice would cause her to melt in a pool of desire. He sat down at the Gryffindor table, which prompted a new ripple of shock and whispering through the Hall. The crowd was upset, they wanted him for their tables.

"Granger, it's rude not to look at people when they are talking to you." He said this while trying to look sexy, even leaning against the table for added appeal.

"Draco, leave her alone," said a rather reproachful looking redhead. "Ah yes, the wesealette," he though. But, he noticed that even she was looking at him, clearly impressed.

"Jealous much, Weasley? I think that you might just want a piece of this," he said. She blushed, but not without muttering a few obvious 'shut-ups' and such, but just to get him off of her case.

"What about you, Potter?" he asked, turning on Harry next. Harry blushed also, saying his obligatory 'no's', but this finally caused Hermione to look up.

"Harry's not gay Draco, sorry to disappoint you," she said, smirking a bit herself.

"I am not gay," Draco protested loudly, extremely indignant. "Malfoy's are not gay, we are sex go-"

"Alright Malfoy, whatever you say. Now please stop bothering us and go back to the Slytherrin table." He gapped at her open mouthed. She had seen the shirt_ and_ the pants _and_ the hair and still not reacted. What type of person was she? How could she have such self-control? Was she gay? No, she couldn't be. He had seen her with Krum at the Yule Ball in 4th year that could only mean one thing, but that must be impossible. Or was it...

"Granger, may I ask you something? _Without_ you reading the paper?" he amended, gesturing to it.

"Fine," she said, sighing and setting down the paper.

"Do you think I'm attractive?" he finally said, bracing himself for the answer.

"Yes," she answered, unabashed. He looked at her, a little shocked, but quickly regained composure.

"Then why do you refuse to acknowledge me as the Sex God – the only true god to all that is holy and pure?" She snorted at this.

"Draco, don't get me wrong, you're just not sex god material. Even Ron is more of a sex god than you."

"What are you implying Hermione? Even?" said Ron, jerking his head up at the mention of his name.

"Well Ron, that one time..."

"Oh, right," said Ron, ears reddening at the memory.

"Back to me," said Draco quickly. "So Hermione, will you just acknowledge my position so that I may return to my table?"

"No, I will not. Besides, how do I know that it's true? How can I really know you are a sex god?" she asked him, her tone extremely level. By this time, the majority of the Gryffindors in the vicinity were watching them closely. Oh, this was _so _much better than the gossip about McGonagall and Dumbledore.

"I don't know," he said, oblivious to what some guys may have noticed as a very subtle invitation.

"Well neither do I," she said, sighing at his utterly inadequate analysis skills. She decided to try a new approach. "I'm busy Draco, so please leave. You are not a sex god and will never be one."

"Yes I am and one day I'll prove it to you. Just you wait," he said, turning his perfectly toned back around, while unbeknownst to him, Hermione ogled him. Maybe one day she might, _might_ just be convinced. But, she would need adequate proof first, of course.

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A/N: Right now it's a oneshot, but I had so much fun writing it, it may turn into something else – a story, a sequel – who knows. Let me know if you liked it because that is probably the best way to get it to transform into one of these. I'm not magic! I need encouragement. So, that being said, review, review, review!

I've decided to write another oneshot using D/H as a pairing with this same premise. I'm going to see which I like more (and everyone else does) and then continue with it as a story.


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